Dear Jacob Black: A letter to the Twilight heart-throb
Dear Jacob Black,
Hi. How are you doing? Me? Not so good. You see, I have a bone to pick with you (tacky pun intended).
Okay, first of all, why on God’s green Earth did you ever fall for Bella? I mean, really. Even the most fanatic of Twi-fans can’t understand what you see in her. You are so much better than Bella Swan-Cullen (insert gagging noises here).
No, don’t get down on yourself, you are!
Look at you; you’re a hulking stack of gorgeousness both on paper and on-screen. You’re also really sweet and funny and strong and… swoon… Did I tell you that my husband is Indian—mind you, he’s not the same kind of Indian as you, but yeah, I appreciate that look (wink, wink, Jakey boy).
Back to my point… I don’t think I ever would have finished the entire Saga if it hadn’t been for you. You are just the kind of guy I would love to be friends with. You made Twilight so, so interesting. And that scene at the end of Eclipse when you told Edward that Bella loves you too? I almost died. I mean, that was one of the best scenes in modern fiction. Seriously, Jacob, it was, and that was because of you!
It’s cool how you were always there for Bella, no matter what the consequences—not that she deserved your unwavering loyalty. It is also cool how you not only ride motorcycles, but you also fix them. You’re a man’s man and a ladies’ man, Jacob Black.
But do you wanna know what’s not cool? It’s so not cool how you fell in love with baby Renesme.
So. Not. Cool!
I understand that there was some kind of cosmic imprinting thing going on, but yuck! I mean, she’s a baby, and she’s not even interesting anyway. I personally think your saga would have ended much better if there had never ever been a Renesme. She shouldn’t’ve existed not only from the freak of nature standpoint (cus let’s face it, you’re a freak of nature too, and I like you a whole lot), but from a literary standpoint. I don’t feel like she contributed to the plot at all. It was kind of a mess.
But what do you know about that? Did I just rock your world by revealing that your whole existence takes place within the pages of a book? I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to reveal this secret. Darn it! I have to be more careful.
But now that you do know and hopefully you’ve recovered from the shock a bit, I have to say this: the imprinting business with Renesme, that’s not really the universe playing games with you. It’s Stephenie Meyer. Oh, in case you didn’t know, Stephenie Meyer is the name of your God. She created you.
Anyway, I believe she had you imprint on Renesme for two reasons:
1. She didn’t want you to be alone after Bella rejected you but also decided to keep you hanging around on a tight leash (another bad pun, sorry) – but this bit shows that your God does love you – yay!
2. She was sick of people saying that 100ish-year-old Edward diggin’ on 18-year-old Bella was disgusting. She wanted them to be like Romeo and Juliet, so innocent, so fated. So what does she do? She takes the heat off of them by giving you an even more disgusting love affair. Gee, thanks, Steph.
I personally think you should be with Leah Clearwater. Maybe if the two of you both gouge out your eyes all Oedipus Rex-style, that horrific imprint will go away, and you can just be together.
I also think there’s a chance you could find happiness with Shapri Teak—she lives inside of my book, Farsighted. I’d be more than happy to introduce you…
In summary, while Ms. Meyer clearly loved you, she loved Edward more.
Just like Bella. Ha, burn!
I come from a place of kindness. Eternally yours,
PS Edward sucks! Team Jacob!
PPS Do you know a guy named Sirius Black? If so, are you related to him? You have more in common than just your last name—aaaaawoooo!