The Super Bowl Didn’t Suck (But It Almost Did): Her Review

Ahh, the Super Bowl. As a woman who’s never really watched a football game and definitely never understood the rules, I was not looking forward to this particular Sunday. Not one bit.

But that’s the thing about our His & Her Review series—it forces us out of our respective comfort zones and allows us to spend time with each other. And, unbelievably, I did enjoy the game.

I know you are completely and totally confused right now. How is this even possible? I mean, I didn’t like Die Hard, but football?

Let’s backpedal a bit here…

I knew I would eventually have to watch and understand football as research for book #4 in the Farsighted Series, Vertigo. The MC, Brady, is the high school team’s running back, and that’s pretty important to his character. Still, this book doesn’t come out until May 2014, so I was hoping I’d have a little more time until being subjected to pigskin torture.

I hate sports. There, I’ve said it.

Growing up as an affirmed bookworm/ geek/ dork/ what-have-you, sports were never my forte. Add to that that people expected me to be some basketball prodigy based on my 5’10 frame, and my hatred for ball-passing pastimes only grew.

“I’d rather broaden my mind than my muscles.”

“I’d rather do something culturally stimulating than watching a ball move back and forth on the screen.”

“Athletes are full of themselves (and jerks to boot).”

These are some of my excuses for not liking sports, and especially not liking football. Who cares that both my dad and my brothers played? Not I. Sports suck.

So when Falcon told me we’d be watching the Super Bowl for our review series, I was none too happy about it. Just like with Die Hard, I kicked and screamed and tried to find some way—anyway—to worm my way out of it. No dice.

Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and woman up, and that’s what I had to do.

So we had to pick teams, because Falcon said it’s more fun when you’re rooting for someone, especially if we pick different teams.

I chose the Ravens because they’re a bird (and, everyone knows what a nutso I am for birds—hello, author of the Bird Brain Books, dubbed pet parrot, Ducky, the spokes model for my business, even gave Ducky a blog…). Anyway, I also liked the Ravens because they were my favorite color:  Purple. Throw into the mix that I was peeved at the 49ers for beating the Falcons, because I wanted to cheer for a team that had the same name as my husband—and, well, it’s easy to see why the Ravens were the team for me.

Then the game started, and I was pretty much confused for the entire first quarter. Luckily, Fal was patient with me and explained it well enough for me to enjoy the rest of the game. Although, I did get pretty confused after the blackout when the 49ers actually started playing the freaking game.

Speaking of the blackout, what the heck?! I know the whole thing took place in New Orleans, so I’m not ruling out voodoo magic as a potential cause. And I blame the 49ers. I did not like that team at all. Their quarterback is like a little boy throwing a tantrum—who decided to give him big boy pants and allow him to open at the Super Bowl? Good God! I don’t know if the second half of the game was enough to save him. It will be interesting to see how his career tanks. Lucky for Colin Kaepernick, he’s under contract (and still young enough to find a new career—you know, one he may actually be good at).

***This was my attempt at talking smack. I tried really hard before the game, but apparently, my trash talk is weak. Hopefully, this was a little bit better***

But really, I noticed from the moment both teams walked out. Baltimore had class. They walked out to a U2 instrumental (my favorite band, score!); whereas, the 49ers chose Tupac. Not that I don’t like Tupac—just U2 is a classier selection, IMHO. The Ravens also just looked so happy to be there and were crying and praying and being sweetie pies. The 49ers were f*n show boaters. I was not a fan.

Here’s a Broadway song pick inspired by the 49ers…

I probably didn’t discuss the blackout enough. When the game came back on and the 49ers started to turn it around, I was OUTRAGED, LIVID, PISSED! That is just not fair. Accordingly, I started to rant.

“If the 49ers win, then there is no justice in football. I can’t watch something that doesn’t believe in justice. I will never try football again—if the 49ers win.”

That’s pretty much what I said over and over again for the entire third quarter. The refs also seemed to be on the side of truth, justice, and the American way since they made two questionable calls during 4th quarter. One about a down and another about illegal touching or something.

Well, 49ers fans can shut up about that. Your team didn’t deserve to win, and from the way they played the entire first half of the game, they didn’t even deserve to be at the Super Bowl in the first place. I saw a commercial for little league football. Maybe they should try for a spot there next year?

***That was smack talk attempt two. How am I doing?***

Speaking of commercials, I was sorely disappointed. I mean, I’ve grown up my whole life hearing about the epic Super Bowl commercials. That was never enough draw for me to actually want to watch a game, but still. There were maybe a couple interesting commercials—the one with the goat and the one with the “God Bless, Farmers—Buy a Truck” message. All in all, though, the game was far more interesting than the commercials. So boo on you, this year’s advertisers.

On the plus side, there was a whole heck of a lot of cuteness going on. We started with the Puppy Bowl, my pre-revenge. And, awwww! I loved the MVP, Marta, and the Husky puppy. Awwww. Awww to all the puppies, actually. My only sadness was that Animal Planet had some imposter cockatiel named Meep tweeting about the event. Next year, that job is so Ducky’s!

You know who else was cute? Flacco. Another reason to root for the Ravens. Why is everyone all about Tim Tebow and Tom Brady when Flacco is the cutest quarterback of them all? Girls are weird, I guess. Still, I’ll keep my beloved Flacon over Flacco any day of the week—weekends, too!

Beyonce rocked the half-time show, and I was thrilled to see the mini reunion of Destiny’s Child. I like how she sang live at the Bowl but lip-synched through the inauguration. What are you trying to say, B?

All in all, the Super Bowl was a good time. I just may voluntarily watch it next year—though I’m not hankering for any season games, and I don’t think I would understand a live game without the helpful yellow lines CG’d onto the screen.

But what do I know? Didn’t I mention I was drunk off my butt during the whole game? Wine, wings, taquitos, and trail mix = Super Bowl snack time touchdown!

Oh, and you just know that the whole state of Maryland is out in the streets ala Tracy Tunrblatt. I bet you Baltimore is a nice place to be right about now.

HIS & HER REVIEWS… IT’S A THING WE’RE DOING NOW!

Never have the differences between the sexes been so starkly highlighted as in the “His & Her Review” series. He loves Halo, while she thinks it’s a waste of time. She swoons for The Bachelor, but he wants to stab his eyes out. Follow husband-wife duo, Falcon & Emlyn, each Tuesday as they team up to review something that inevitably one will love and one will hate. Welcome to married life, folks. Oh, and you can catch up on the rest of our reviews HERE.

THAT’S WHAT HE SAID…

“After a couple of false starts, we realized it was easier for her to understand it if I explained how it related to baseball… Well, explaining what penalties are or how they happen didn’t go exactly as planned and now Em thinks that the 49ers were cheating… But GoDaddy.com, you should be water-boarded. I can’t un-see that horrible ad… or un-hear it for that matter… Of course, the big controversy of the game was the power outage. Still waiting to find out just what caused it, but my money’s on Stevie Wonder…”

Read the rest of his post HERE.

Mrs. Storm

Writing everything from Sweet Romance to Children's Books to Nonfiction, Melissa loves books, birds, and bonbons--in that order. She has an advanced degree that she never uses.

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