2014: Premature Review
Because it was so much easier to review 2013 without having Google correcting me every few details, I figured, why not do a review of 2014 now? So, here it is:
- Justin Beiber was forced into retirement after a lawyer in South Texas found that his “joke” about retirement during a radio interview constituted a binding social contract. Justin Beiber refused to honor the contract and is currently serving time in an undisclosed jail.
- After Ylvis’ fame died out, he became a mascot for a new initiative promoting safety. What does the fox say? Don’t go off with strangers. Stop, drop and roll. Never run with sharp instruments. Are just a few of the fox’s new sayings.
- Rebecca Black, tired of the mocking from her much-hated song Friday, released Saturday in 2013. Nobody cared, but that didn’t stop Ms. Black. Her new album ‘The Week’ opened to extremely low numbers. Surprisingly, the most loved single from the album was Monday.
- Miley Cyrus entered rehab in March. Then in June and most recently August. A spokesperson for the family confirms that “She can’t stop. And she won’t stop.”
- Google Glass releases to the general public. Shortly after, past Beta testers started to develop strange eyesight problems, both near and farsightedness. Google plans to launch Google Bifocals next year to counter act was users are referring to GoogleGlassEye. Google immediately patented the term and is in R&D phase testing of the new tech.
- The Robocop reboot failed to perform at the box office when it was revealed that for the cost of the movie, Detroit could actually have a real version of the cyborg policeman. Several cities were quick to donate money to get the robot cop active in Detroit because “That would be cool.”
- Black Friday sales have completely moved to Thursdays. The move was started in 2013 and met with only casual resistance. Now Christmas shoppers are missing their Thanksgiving dinners, turning the Black Friday shopping weekend into a real life Hunger Games.
- With the US government still locking horns over partisan issues, citizens across the country started thousands of grassroots movements to allow foreign born politicians to run for President. In a “life imitating art” moment, the amendment passed and a national campaign was started for Schwartzeneggar 2016 “GET TO DA WHITE HAUS!” No word yet on running mate, though if the rumors can be believed, it will be another cast member of the Expendables franchise.
- The rights to the Grand Theft Auto franchise were bought by EA. Rockstar commented that it seemed like the right thing to do, seeing as GTA became a slightly gritty version of The Sims. Almost immediately, EA introduced premium items and six expansions to GTA V.
- Nostalgia reached an all-time high this year resulting in companies re-releasing several classic toys and electronics. Geek culture was utterly destroyed by the surge to trendiness.
- Hoping to compete more with Disney, Dreamworks purchased DC Comics and the Star Trek franchise. Disney responded by reviving Firefly. Dreamworks never recovered.
- In a landmark Supreme Court case, Muppets were finally granted equal rights, ending Cookie Monster’s hunger strike. When asked how he felt about the decision, he replied, “Shut mouth and give me COOKIES!”
Obviously, my hopes are high for the rest of the year. 😉