My Daughter, the Delinquent
You would think that at three months old, my daughter would still be full of hope and promise. But sadly, not the case. No, my little bitty baby is already on the slippery slope to a life of crime. She hasn’t started knocking over liquor stores, but I fear it’s only a matter or time.
It all started when I made an important discovery. During night feedings, the Little One would let me play on the Xbox. Soon, she even wanted to watch what was going on and was enthralled… By Saints Row.
For those unfamiliar with the Saints Row franchise, SR is a game series focusing on a street gang known as the 3rd Street Saints. This game is commonly branded with the nonsensical term “ultraviolent” and takes the formula established by the Grand Theft Auto series and cranks it up to eleven.
So, when I noticed my daughter watching me “bustin caps” and “jackin rides,” I became a little concerned. She also seemed to take joy from the acts of mayhem in the game as well as the rap music…not good signs. She’s already from the same state as Eminem, last thing I need is for to adopt the persona of Slim Baby. (Although I do take great joy in parodying Lady Gaga songs with her. I call her Baby Gaga. Oh yeah… It’s gonna be a thing. Be on the look out for her first single “Poopy Face.”)
Well, enough was enough, I had to stop playing Saints Row (because I beat it) and get my daughter back on the right track.
You would think Sesame Street would be enough to stem the tide, but unfortunately, disaster struck when the wife and I discovered Orange is the New Black on Netflix. (The show is great, BTW.) Orange is the New Black features a women’s correctional facility… Yes and everything implied by a setting like that.
So, in order to fix these influences and get my daughter back on the right track, I’m off to educate her on hometown heroes. Since we’re close to Detroit, I guess I should play her some Eminem…