His Other Reviews: The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 1
In one of my early reviews (HERE) I admitted that I had watched an episode of The Bachelor with my wife. Sadly, I’m still watching this inane show. Why? Because I love my wife and we reached a compromise. She gets to watch her reality garbage and I get to make jokes during it. To an extent.
But I realized I was getting the short end of the stick on this one. So, now I’m reviewing these on a weekly basis (I hope) so my wife now gets emails when I make fun of her show.
Well, let’s get reviewing then shall we?
The Bachelorette: Andi
Andi Dorfman, the Assistant District Attorney from Atlanta, GA, who doesn’t like it when things are “OK,” appeared last season with the most-hated Bachelor I’ve ever heard of. Since I’ve only heard of three Bachelors, oh well, I liked Juan Pablo.
The first thing about this season, a guy dies. Seriously. One of the contestants dies after filming. Well, of the 25 contestants, I think I know who isn’t getting a rose. (Sadly, these jokes get old, so I’m going to try to go the high road, I might not succeed, but I’ll try. If only ABC had taken the high road and just cut his segments, it’s kinda messed up watching a dead guy on a reality show.)
I’ve asked my wife several times what the appeal of this show is and she actually had a good theory. ABC is owned by Disney and Disney makes money off of kids buying into the Disney Princess dream, so why not do a grown-up version with drunks and promiscuity? It’s got to be why they try to force a marriage out of a few weeks of dating.
So, we get a brief intro of Andi after a thirty second memorial for Eric Hill. (Sure he died, but we gotta get to the Douche Parade) Her intro? Stock footage from last season, because hey, why bother going that extra mile? She’s an ADA in Atlanta who has now taken off work to film two seasons of this show. Wow, what is the crime like in Atlanta? Well, according to THIS, it’s only safer than 1% of US cities. 1 in 70 chance of becoming a victim of violent crime. Good thing she’s only the Assistant DA, wouldn’t want crime to get out of hand or anything. To give a comparison of just how bad Atlanta is doing, the same site rates DETROIT, MI as being SAFER than Atlanta. (It’s safer than 2% of US cities, although you have a 1 in 47 chance of being a victim of violent crime there, but hey, Detroit is bankrupt and looks like a zombie movie gone wrong.)
So, now for my favorite part: The Douche Parade
Contestants on the Bachelorette generally fall into two categories, Douches and another category that will generally “mesh” with the personality of the Bachelorette.
So here’s my count (keep in mind that these are my first impressions):
“Sensitive” (I use this instead of effeminate. These guys are supposed to be the submissive to Andi’s “take charge” demeanor): 8
Both: 1 (Josh M.)
Dead Guys: 1
I realize that I’ve only given you a tally of 21, but the other 4 didn’t easily fit into these categories and I didn’t want a bunch of other categories.
During the Douche Parade there were a number of cringe worthy Awkward/Meet (A bad version of the Rom Com Cute/Meet) moments that I’ll mention:
The “Hey, people put locks on a bridge where I’m from, let’s create this really inauthentic version here.”
The “Hey, this limo broke down twenty feet back, so I pushed it the rest of the way.”
The “4th Amendment waiver” (It didn’t look like an adult made it and was a really bad way of inviting her to feel him up.)
The “Overused pick-up line that I thought would be good because I have a stethoscope)
Emil… Just wow. “I’m Emil, like Anal with an M” Have to wonder about the success rate of that one.
The “Hey, I stole this lamp from the hotel because I’m too cheap to bring flowers”
And the “Look at me in my golf cart because I’m a professional golfer and totally not just a bald guy”
I have pages of notes about the rest of this episode, but this is getting a bit long for the episode of The Bachelorette. (To be fair, it was a 2 hour episode.) So, some simple bits:
- The guys play musical coats with Andi
- Swag counts for something as far as Andi is concerned
- Nick B has 10 siblings which is a bad sign if you’ve watched Frozen
- Andi uses some really bad logic, explaining why she could take a year off of her job.
- First rose comes out and it’s like the gun in a game of Russian roulette.
- Todd from Community (Yeah, I don’t learn names this early) gets the first impression rose.
- Andi uses the word “ya’ll” excessively despite not using it last season. Apparently the producers thought she needed to be “more southern sounding”
And how does Andi describe the guys?
On to the roses.
- She kept Buff Macklemore (once again, I don’t learn names easily), apparently she didn’t see Divergent
- Bye Anal + M
- Bye Princess (I missed his name)
- Bye Other Lawyer, you have the right to remain silent.
- Bye Other Princess (I think he just looked like the other or something. Wow, I need a cheat sheet for this many meatheads)
- Bye The Nose?
The good news, there was a love connection. Bad news? It was between Patrick and Andrew, but I’m sure they’ll be happy together.
The season preview shows:
- More boats
- Making out
- And boats
As usual, lots of testosterone and drama, complete with crying. Right Reasons (a copyrighted catchphrase for this show), Andi hating all the guys and everyone falling in love. Normal stuff.
And after the credits? A great segment of highways in Norway? Wow. This season is going to be action packed. These guys are as interesting as topiaries.